Pages

Thursday, April 11, 2019

Hi Dad

It's been 5 years...almost to the minute. It seems like yesterday, but it seems like 20 years.

A lot of my friends post memes about how awesome their dads are. Truth be told, I've gotten jealous of that...but mostly before you passed to the other side. Now that you're over there, I feel our relationship is easier. I can forgive all the things you did and didn't do. I can forgive all the things you did and didn't say. Because you're over there and you're not here continuing to do or say them.

I try to focus on the last 2 weeks of your life. I want to believe that you knew you were loved. I want to believe that you loved us.

It gets hard some days. I'm still bitter about some things..especially some things you did toward the end...especially the things you did and said after you had your kidney removed. Because I have to believe, for my own sanity, that you had that brain tumor all that time. I have to believe you weren't a mean, spiteful, son-of-a-bitch just for the sake of being that.

The only time I really allowed my tears to flow was the night that I poured my drunken heart out to a couple of friends, after I found out what you did financially. I don't think drunken tears count. They don't feel like they do.

On the plus side: the house got paid off...your arrangements were already paid for...mom got a new vehicle.

On the down side: I will probably never stop wondering if you loved so greatly that it scared the hell out of you and you didn't know how to deal with that, or if I was ever truly loved at all.

That's my battle, and I will continue to struggle with it. On my hardest days, I tell myself that you did the best you could with the knowledge you had, and I just keep moving forward.

I love you. I didn't always like you, and frankly, there are still days that I don't like you. But I always have and always will love you. I really hope, most of all, that you knew that.

I hope your soul is resting peacefully.