Friday, August 2, 2019

The Paper

What he didn't know and possibly still doesn't know is that M saw this when she was about 13 years old.

If you're reading this, you might ask why I would allow my child to read this at the age of 13. SD already had a habit of breaking her heart with disappointment. He broke it again at that age when, for the second time, he promised her he would pay for her school trip and backed out the MORNING the down payment was due. My child was bawling. She believed he cared more about his current wife than he did her. I was explaining that perhaps that was true because he never wanted kids anyway. I showed her the evidence on this paper.  No, it doesn't say that he never wanted kids. At this point, you have to take my word for it that he said it (and perhaps I will later tell you the context in which that came up).

Was it wrong of me to show her that at her age? Some would say yes. Some would say I was wrong to ever show it to her. But my 13 year old wasn't your average run-of-the-mill 13-year-old. This child had an extremely high IQ and went to a school for gifted children (when we lived near one) because of it. She's not stupid. She never has been. This was a piece of information that she needed to have at that moment in her life.

What's the worst part about it (for me)? I was actually trying to defend his behavior. At least I was doing it to try to soften the blow to my baby's heart.

Thursday, August 1, 2019

The Message

I'm old school. I've been through so much horrifying, emotional shit in my life (plus being an empath adds to THAT), that I really never expected the SD could still trigger me. It's been almost 25 years since the divorce was finalized. But this message took me back to the days of emotional manipulation before I filed for divorce. It took me back to all the pathetic bullshit I had to deal with throughout the divorce and after the divorce. 

But the blow was so much harder this time...because he sent it to my daughter. 

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Writing Therapy

I've never told my kids ALL of the sordid details.

I have told them any of the nasty, sordid details of my life that they've asked about...except their fathers.

As a way to protect them? Perhaps. Knowing some of the nasty details of your parentage can be harmful to your perception of your self. Frankly, I didn't want to be responsible for that.

But I really wanted them to primarily form their opinions, thoughts and ideas of their fathers directly from those sources and their interactions with them, not from me.

Besides, just because I didn't have healthy relationships with their fathers didn't mean they wouldn't, right?


Kind of wrong on that one.

Stuff has happened recently. The SD (sperm donor) for my oldest child has triggered the past...through a message he sent to her.

Really, I WAS over it. I was over everything he ever did or said to me. I have been focused on my girls for so long that any pain or anger from that time period hasn't existed in my present. I talk to them frankly. Even about the things that happened back when. And my girls know that any present anger I have toward their fathers is (typically) a direct result of how they treat those girls in the present.

Until that message the SD sent M.

This is going to be my therapy place for a little while. Jump ship now if you don't want to read about it. Both of my daughters are aware that I plan on doing this, and they're both agreeable to it.I will be using initials for the most part rather than names. But I think I'm sticking to SD for that first one. Really, it kind of fits him.

Anyone who really knows me will know most of the characters in this documentary. lol

Sorry, got to throw some comedy in where I can because things are about to get heavy.

Step one. Start.

Thursday, April 11, 2019

Hi Dad

It's been 5 years...almost to the minute. It seems like yesterday, but it seems like 20 years.

A lot of my friends post memes about how awesome their dads are. Truth be told, I've gotten jealous of that...but mostly before you passed to the other side. Now that you're over there, I feel our relationship is easier. I can forgive all the things you did and didn't do. I can forgive all the things you did and didn't say. Because you're over there and you're not here continuing to do or say them.

I try to focus on the last 2 weeks of your life. I want to believe that you knew you were loved. I want to believe that you loved us.

It gets hard some days. I'm still bitter about some things..especially some things you did toward the end...especially the things you did and said after you had your kidney removed. Because I have to believe, for my own sanity, that you had that brain tumor all that time. I have to believe you weren't a mean, spiteful, son-of-a-bitch just for the sake of being that.

The only time I really allowed my tears to flow was the night that I poured my drunken heart out to a couple of friends, after I found out what you did financially. I don't think drunken tears count. They don't feel like they do.

On the plus side: the house got paid off...your arrangements were already paid got a new vehicle.

On the down side: I will probably never stop wondering if you loved so greatly that it scared the hell out of you and you didn't know how to deal with that, or if I was ever truly loved at all.

That's my battle, and I will continue to struggle with it. On my hardest days, I tell myself that you did the best you could with the knowledge you had, and I just keep moving forward.

I love you. I didn't always like you, and frankly, there are still days that I don't like you. But I always have and always will love you. I really hope, most of all, that you knew that.

I hope your soul is resting peacefully.