The Ledge

Stan's death still weighs heavily on me tonight as the anniversary of another looms just 5 days away.

30 years ago on the 20th, a classmate departed this world after falling off the ledge. His was my introduction to what it felt like to be a survivor...the one who asks "why didn't I see?" "how could he do this?" "why didn't he reach out?"

Every one of those questions presumes blame. Someone MUST be to blame.

But real life has taught me that no one is to blame. It's just a ledge. I've been on that ledge, and this is why I'm standing on my soapbox.

Some of us make it down on our own. Some of us get there with the help of loved ones. Some of us get there with the help of strangers. And some of us fall off. I wish I could tell you what the perfect formula is, but I can't because we're all different.

I think about Joey every year on the anniversary of his death. And often times in between. I've never gotten over the pain of self-blame with him, even though we weren't close at the time of his death. But I still wonder...should I have known? Should I have seen? Could I have made a difference?

My introduction to being a survivor of someone else's suicide is one of my cornerstone pieces. The foundation under the steps, if you will, that has helped me off that ledge more than once. I still talk to Joey maybe more than I should. I often thank him for giving me the strength to have stayed. I look back on my life with wonder and awe. I thank him for the memories I have witnessed because my pain over his loss gave me the strength to stay. There are so many beautiful, wondrous and amazing things I would have missed out on if he hadn't provided me with that first step of strength.

Love your loved ones. Life is short. We don't always know when someone is sitting on the ledge. We won't necessarily know when they're teetering on the edge of falling off. We can say we'll be there to help them until we're blue in the face. The funny thing about that ledge...sometimes it's so high off the ground that we can't be heard. And sometimes it's so high off the ground that we can't hear them screaming for help. I know these things from experience. I also know that it's time we stop trying to place blame. We need to stop blaming ourselves for not knowing. We need to stop blaming them for not reaching out. We need to stop the blame and we need to stop the shame.

Thank you, Joey. Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me that step.

#suicideawareness #stoptheblame #stoptheshame #hugyourlovedones

*This was originally posted on my personal Facebook page on January 15, 2020.

Honoring Stan

I started to read the comments on this article, but boy was that a mistake. The article itself is well written. And many people don't want to talk about the fact that he committed suicide. I get that they think it's respectful to the family, but that's not necessarily the case. We need to talk about suicide, and we need to be respectful when we do. Stop with the bullshit questions about "why didn't anyone notice." Stop with the bullshit statements of "if only someone had reached out." Stop looking for someone to blame! All that matters in regards to Stan's death is that he was loved and IS loved. Stan was sitting on a ledge and he fell off it. Anyone who has ever sat on that ledge KNOWS how difficult it is to climb down on the side of continuing to live.

My heart aches for him falling off the ledge. My heart aches for his family and his wife. My heart aches for me and all of his others fans. But I won't blame him for falling and I won't blame anyone close to him for "not seeing" how close he was to falling.

I'll be over here, sending my love to everyone who knew him and everyone aching for the loss of his physical presence in their lives.

And just so you know, I'll sit with you on the ledge. I'll hold your hand, and I'll do whatever I can to help you climb down.

*This was originally a post on my personal Facebook page on January 14, 2020.