What Am I Doing Here?

 The tidbits.

The threads.

The things that make up a life.

There are so many things that turn us into the beings we are. Every day.

Sometimes, past experiences replay in our heads. Especially when those things inform aspects of our current lives. When I think about situations in my childhood, teen years and young adult life: they have all meshed together to create the person I am today.

I am always striving to be a better version of me. I can look back on some of my traumas with a more objective eye than ever before. I have developed a spiritual life of looking with gratitude rather than bitterness.

There are still things in my past that I grapple with. Some days I look at things and wonder who that person was, even though that person was wearing my human suit. It legitimately gives the idea of parallel timelines weight in my mind. 

I hope to write about things from a place of healing. But if they're not from that place, I hope to recognize them as moments I need to heal.

I guess this will be a journal of sorts, but probably more memoir. Difference being: when you write a journal (or diary if that sparks a better view), you do it solely for yourself. A memoir: you're doing it with the knowledge that others may read it someday.

So then I ponder the question: do people destroy their diaries before they leave this physical plain (assuming they know it's coming or maybe they even do it years before)?

I have journals. I was forced to start writing one in 7th grade English class. It was a good habit for many years. In late 1997 I stopped journaling. Why? Because it didn't feel safe to do so anymore. My marriage was falling apart and I didn't trust my then-husband.

By then I also had two kids. Who had time? Who wanted to write about the struggles of motherhood that might later be found by the children and said children leave with the impression that they were anything other than loved? Who wants to take the chance that their children would read such a thing at much too young of an age and see all the messy humanity that life is? Who, at those precious years, wants their children to think less of them because they struggle as well? Because haven't we been raised that parents are supposed to be perfect and have all the answers?

So why is this safe(r)?

Because my children are adult-aged and I have since told them that adulthood is a fallacy. It's a trick to get you to contribute to the vast machine and have bills to pay. There will always be moments in your life when you feel like a child who needs guidance from a "real adult". Moments when you need a "real adult" to protect you and make decisions for you.

Why is this necessary?

Because I need my children to have the opportunity to know my threads. Things I might fail to say. Things that I went through that I never told them. Things that might help them (and others) make a little better sense of this human life. Musings from a mish-mashed life in a sane-as-possible mind.

I'm not linking my about me to this blog. I'll probably use fake names to protect people. A girlfriend of mine refers to her child by their first initial on social media posts. Maybe I'll borrow her idea and use first initials. We'll see.

May your life be blessed with overwhelming love and joy.

The Ledge

Stan's death still weighs heavily on me tonight as the anniversary of another looms just 5 days away.

30 years ago on the 20th, a classmate departed this world after falling off the ledge. His was my introduction to what it felt like to be a survivor...the one who asks "why didn't I see?" "how could he do this?" "why didn't he reach out?"

Every one of those questions presumes blame. Someone MUST be to blame.

But real life has taught me that no one is to blame. It's just a ledge. I've been on that ledge, and this is why I'm standing on my soapbox.

Some of us make it down on our own. Some of us get there with the help of loved ones. Some of us get there with the help of strangers. And some of us fall off. I wish I could tell you what the perfect formula is, but I can't because we're all different.

I think about Joey every year on the anniversary of his death. And often times in between. I've never gotten over the pain of self-blame with him, even though we weren't close at the time of his death. But I still wonder...should I have known? Should I have seen? Could I have made a difference?

My introduction to being a survivor of someone else's suicide is one of my cornerstone pieces. The foundation under the steps, if you will, that has helped me off that ledge more than once. I still talk to Joey maybe more than I should. I often thank him for giving me the strength to have stayed. I look back on my life with wonder and awe. I thank him for the memories I have witnessed because my pain over his loss gave me the strength to stay. There are so many beautiful, wondrous and amazing things I would have missed out on if he hadn't provided me with that first step of strength.

Love your loved ones. Life is short. We don't always know when someone is sitting on the ledge. We won't necessarily know when they're teetering on the edge of falling off. We can say we'll be there to help them until we're blue in the face. The funny thing about that ledge...sometimes it's so high off the ground that we can't be heard. And sometimes it's so high off the ground that we can't hear them screaming for help. I know these things from experience. I also know that it's time we stop trying to place blame. We need to stop blaming ourselves for not knowing. We need to stop blaming them for not reaching out. We need to stop the blame and we need to stop the shame.

Thank you, Joey. Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me that step.

#suicideawareness #stoptheblame #stoptheshame #hugyourlovedones

*This was originally posted on my personal Facebook page on January 15, 2020.

Honoring Stan

I started to read the comments on this article, but boy was that a mistake. The article itself is well written. And many people don't want to talk about the fact that he committed suicide. I get that they think it's respectful to the family, but that's not necessarily the case. We need to talk about suicide, and we need to be respectful when we do. Stop with the bullshit questions about "why didn't anyone notice." Stop with the bullshit statements of "if only someone had reached out." Stop looking for someone to blame! All that matters in regards to Stan's death is that he was loved and IS loved. Stan was sitting on a ledge and he fell off it. Anyone who has ever sat on that ledge KNOWS how difficult it is to climb down on the side of continuing to live.

My heart aches for him falling off the ledge. My heart aches for his family and his wife. My heart aches for me and all of his others fans. But I won't blame him for falling and I won't blame anyone close to him for "not seeing" how close he was to falling.

I'll be over here, sending my love to everyone who knew him and everyone aching for the loss of his physical presence in their lives.

And just so you know, I'll sit with you on the ledge. I'll hold your hand, and I'll do whatever I can to help you climb down.

*This was originally a post on my personal Facebook page on January 14, 2020.

Hello? Is anybody home?

It's that time of year. StrivingBeyondTheNorm.com was set to expire today if I didn't renew. Last year, I struggled with the decision and ended up keeping it so I could "download my posts" because I didn't realize that time was "here" already. 

Hahaha. That's funny.

I renewed again. I haven't posted a damn thing on it in 2 years. But I renewed it again. 

Here's a thing about a blog like this. It sometimes puts you on the radar of people you don't want to see you. That happened to me, and it's one of the reasons I haven't posted here in forever. But I'm considering reclaiming my personal power and conquering that fear. 

Oh, and I love that name because it so aptly describes me and what I try to do every day.

Will I post regularly here ever again? I simply don't know with all the little pots I have boiling and brewing in my life.

Will I strive to post regularly here even again? Of course. Because striving is one of the things I do.

Maybe I'll see you again here soon. 

Acts of Kindness

Often times, when I think of acts of kindness being performed (by myself or others), I think about acts of kindness toward strangers, not those in our own family or in our own home. So while I had limited contact with people outside of my own home yesterday, I did do things that would be considered acts of kindness within my home. 

The challenge is to do at least one act of kindness per day. Perhaps we won't succeed in doing an act of kindness to 365 different people throughout a year. But more likely, we will. Maybe part of the challenge is (really) to recognize and give ourselves credit for the vast number of kind things that we actually do. Did you make dinner for your family last night? Did you wash, dry and fold their laundry the other day? Do you go to work every day so that you can help support your family? I realize those can all be attributed to being kind to yourself. Depending on your life view, you could be thinking that those are entirely selfish and shouldn't count. But they do. And it also counts when you're kind to yourself. Stressed and in desperate need of relaxation so you take a bubble bath? Count that as a kindness toward yourself.

My challenge to you is simply this: be mindful of the acts of kindness that you perform every day. The stray you fed. The friend you lent a shoulder to. The child you bought coffee for. The dinner you cooked for your spouse. The firewood you chopped for the fire place to keep your family warm. Focus on the positive things you do. Recognize them. Even the little things. Let's stop taking those things for granted, and let's celebrate those around us for what they do. Let's celebrate ourselves for what we do. Let's focus on filling our world with gratitude.

Love and Light, my friends.

An Empath's Commandments

I have no idea who the original author of the following is, but as an Empath, it's a necessary reminder.

An Empath's Commandments

1) People are NOT your pet projects for you to fix.

2) You are NOT an 'emotional mechanic'.

3) Just because you're emotionally fine-tuned (as most Empaths are) does not automatically obligate you to intervene.

4) How others choose to live their life is not your call.

5) Everybody handles trauma/ distress in their own fashion.

6) People CAN change, but ONLY if they have the desire to.

7) Interference is not a promise of good results.

8) There is nothing glamorous or cavalier about self-sacrifice.

9) Forcing change never works on anybody.

10) Accept that you can't change everyone's situation. That struggle is their personal journey, so give them the room they need to find their own brand of enlightenment down the road.

11) Offer your unconditional love and unbiased understanding. This is the most you can do for an ailing heart.

12) A listening ear is extremely helpful and has a bigger impact than you think.

13) All your actions resonate for many years. You just may not be present to see the results.

14) Your gut instinct. The alarm in your head. The nagging voice in the back of your mind. That bad feeling that warns you. LISTEN TO IT.

15) Whatever you put out in this world comes right back to you. So tried and true. A real lesson in karma.

16) Saying curse words, putting a curse on someone, or just the general desire to wish harm upon someone tends to have the negative effect of corrosion on your soul. You will feel it.

17) Meditation does work; helps calm you the heck down! Find any YouTube video on mediation and follow it to clear your brain cobwebs.

18) Walk out of the room if encountering a heated battle, before your "fight or flight response" kicks in. Petty squabbles are never worth the emotional damage it causes to your armor.

19) Arguments are pointless, incendiary and help no one. Unless you're a lawyer.

20) Some people involuntarily extinguish your light. They may not be aware of how toxic they are, but you do. Fixing them is futile and not your responsibility. Get far away from these people as you can.

21) Be the bigger person. If someone says something nasty to you, you say "Thank you for your kind words." and walk away. Be classy. They may scoff, they may retort, but after some time passes one thing is always guaranteed. And that nagging feeling at the back of their mind, it's called shame.

22) You pick up bad emotions, not only good ones. It's important to pinpoint where they come from.

23) If you feel overwhelmed and nothing stressful is occurring in your life, you're accidentally picking up nasty vibes from someone nearby or some local event. Time to get away for a bit.

24) It's narcissistic to believe it's your duty to 'fix' people. Wanting to help and believing you have to are 2 very different things.

25) When in doubt, laugh! Laughter is good for the soul!

26) Know your truth and stick to it! Don't allow others to make you doubt yourself.

27) Know thyself: and know when it's time to walk away from a situation that cannot be changed

29) Prayer in what ever form of your choosing. Use whatever deity you like. The Serenity prayer is one of the best "step back and take a moment" prayers.

30) "Resign as General Manager of the Universe". Though I didn't come up with it, it's always reminded me that our 'abilities' don't give us Admin rights, lol! Nor should we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders, even when we can feel every ounce of it.

31) Everything should have an expiration date- that goes for thoughts/ideals that no longer serve our greater good, lessons we may have outgrown (keep the good, though), and even relationships that do not contribute to mutual growth.

32) Concerning oneself with 'what's right' rather than 'who's right' is a good guide to keeping integrity.

33) Help when you can, or if its asked for, but don't take on the full responsibility of another. Give control back to them. 

34) Don't try to befriend everyone. Sometimes you can misinterpret someone being lonely for their being total *insert classy, yet tastefully descriptive word here*

35) Get over it ( DON'T LET EVERYTHING GET TO YOU)

36) Don't fix what is not broken (people are more resilient than we think , especially when they are in pain)

37) If it is not yours, don't keep it.

38) If it is yours and you don't want it, get rid of it

39) Accept who you are, love what you are, and respect all that you are

40) Yes listen to your instinct when it comes from your spiritual heart which always comes from LOVE.

41) When you are coming from love and you live in your spiritual heart, you do not need to fear.

42) Be respectful of the emotions of others and refrain from invading into the emotions of others simply because you can.

43) Don't concern yourself with things that don't concern you. If its not your business, don't make it your burden.

44) Blocking, analyzing or running away doesn't help. Feeling, accepting, and letting go do.

45) All negative feelings (your own and others') can be transmuted by love. Get comfortable with feeling love for yourself and others - this will be your salvation as an Empath.

46) You don't have to identify with or keep any negative emotion - your own or anyone else's. It is only energy, and energy becomes a problem when it stagnates. Keep it moving, let it go, transform it to light - whatever works for you.

46) Emotions can be our greatest teachers. Too many emotions that do not belong to us can confuse us, overwhelm us, and disable us. When you are unable to release an emotion, stop and ask yourself if there is a lesson this emotion will help you discover. Ask for help from whatever spiritual guidance you believe in or are able to connect with.

47) don't be conflictive with yourself find inner peace and everything else will just fall into place

48) Practice mindfulness of your current emotion - mindfulness is a great tool to let go of emotional suffering and also helps us to live fully in the moment

49) to heal others you must first heal yourself

50) Not everyone is aware of how their actions affect others. Forgive them, send love, and let it go.

Reflections 2013

2013 was a crazy year of roller coaster rides for me, mostly on a mental and emotional level.

Love.

Loss.

Gain.

Tears.

Laughter.

Joy.

Transitions.

Serenity.

Peace with who I am.

I learned how to meditate.

I began healing my wounds.

I read The Four Agreements.

And put them into practice.

I met some amazing sisters.

I deepened relationships.

I lost some.

I depended on me.

I remembered my strength.

I grounded myself.

I began healing circles.

I loved.

And I practiced letting go.

I am ready to say Goodbye to 2013. I am ready to embrace 2014.

"Goodbye"

As the sun hides his head
For another night's rest
And the wind sings
His same old song
And you on the edge
Never close, never far
Always there when I needed a friend

But it's hard living life
On this memory-go-round
Always up, always down
Spinning 'round and 'round and 'round

All this could be
Just a dream so it seems
I was never much good at goodbye

There once was a time
Never far from my mind
On the beach, on the 4th of July
I remember the sand
How you held out your hand
And we touched for what seemed a lifetime

But it's hard
Leaving all this behind me now
Like a schoolboy so lost
Never found until now

And all this could be
Just a dream so it seems
I was never much good at goodbye

Yet it's hard
Living life on this memory-go-round
Always up, always down
Turning 'round and 'round and 'round

And all this could be
Just a dream so it seems
I was never much good at goodbye

And all this could be
Just a dream so it seems
I was never much good at goodbye

Goodbye